by Mike Herzog

“the word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood…” john 1:14, the message

last week at the refuge we talked about the spiritual discipline of incarnational relationships. it really got me thinking…

christians try to convert the atheists, parents try to convert their kids to positive ways of behavior that will make their lives much easier and fulfilling. and addicts (alcohol, drug, sex, food, control, work, codependency, money, untruthfulness….you name it) drive present addicts up the wall with their incessant preaching. let’s face it, we all have an agenda.

i’m a recovery snob. having been involved for almost 6 years in various recovery/healing groups, i see the immense benefit of working on our stuff through a 12 step program. i believe, to the point of sometimes cramming my agenda down your throat. i mean, hey, i have wisdom that i think should be imparted to you! the truth is my goal is, quite often, very noble and helpful. it is good to accept Jesus and be a Christ follower. it’s good for a child to learn to integrate into the world around him/her. it’s also good for the addict to come to grips with their brokenness and begin to heal. but i’m definitely beginning to rethink my role and my methods in this process.

a half a year ago, i was talking to one of my mentors about someone i’d known for a few years. this young lady was, in my prideful opinion, in need of my wisdom on her recovery. (a need she had never shared that she needed or desired, but i have been practicing mind reading for decades). so i decided i was going to make her a “project” of mine. (as i type these words, i break out in a cold sweat thinking i could be so full of myself and so utterly arrogant. i’m pleased to say i have asked her forgiveness, on more than one occasion, and she has responded to me with nothing but grace).

but God worked in His mysterious way, to show me what i believe to be a better way. while having the conversation with my mentor, i received a call from my friend asking me to hang out with her on that saturday. wow, i thought, this must be God’s validation that i was on the right path to fix her life. (remember the mind reading thing.) God, as usual, was on a slightly different page.

that friday night i attended a discussion with jim henderson and matt casper (the friendly atheist). a christian and an atheist who were not trying to convert each other, but just be friends, love each other and discuss their beliefs. during a q&a session, a caring but misguided young pastor was arrogant enough to think he had just the right magic words to convert casper. in a gentle rebuttal, casper made a very good point. he said christians seem to know just what he needs and they are going to give it to him, even if he doesn’t want it. he went on to say that this would never work and could drive a wedge into a relationship. then he made a remark that i hope will forever change how i do relationships. he said: “if i am to be converted it will be by the power of, who you call, the Holy Spirit.”

this seemed so profound. i remember Jesus saying the Holy Spirit would draw us to God. and i remember Him saying the greatest commandment was to love God and each other. so, just maybe, it is the Holy Spirit’s job to move people’s hearts and lives and my job is to love them. encourage them. and guide them (only if they ask) on their journey. and then just see what God does.

casper’s words stirred something up in me, but by saturday morning my own sense of self had kicked back in and i was busy at work formulating a strategy. a way to manipulate my friend so i could drag her on the journey that had worked so well for me. (although, if my journey was as successful as i sometimes like to think, i would not be so controlling and manipulative, would i?). as i was driving to meet her for lunch, i had a Damascus Road experience. in a voice that was barely less than audible, God said to me:”weren’t you paying attention, last night, when matt explained that pushing on people isn’t the answer. just love her. be her friend. the Holy Spirit will do the rest”. so i prayed and asked God to guide my interactions with her.

that day was hard for me. so many times i had to fight the urge to “fix” my friend. we accomplished the task we needed to do in a few hours, but spent 7 hours just hanging and talking. i have a hard time with surface conversation—i love to go deep–so i had to resist pushing or prodding her to go in the direction i thought she needed to go. as we headed to the parking lot to go our separate ways, she paused before getting into her car. she started to share. really share from her heart. this wonderful sharing lasted over an hour and a half. while she shared a beautiful transformation occurred. in the twilight, i saw her face change, right before my eyes. it was like a veil had been lifted. the masks started to come off. both mine and hers. we had taken that next step on our journey toward healing. we were no longer people who knew each other. not just a fixer and a project. not just, even, friends. but special soul-mates on the same journey. an amazing thing has since happened. not only have i been able to speak truth and healing into her life, but she has been able to do the same for me. we have become safe for each other. one not always leading, one not always following, but walking side by side with each other. living incarnately.

over a year ago i experienced this same joy with my daughter. as we struggled with our relationship, i remember her saying: “i don’t need you to be my dad, i need you to be my friend”. puzzled by this remark i talked with a counselor i know. she said she already knows what you expect from her. you’ve been telling her for 26 years. she is struggling to be what she should be. she just wants and needs you to love her and be there for her. when i told my daughter this she said that was exactly what she desired from me. i told her i would do my best and a few months later God showed up, again. she was able to share the very hard things in her life that she had never been able to share because i was now safe for her. and again the healing has gone both ways. we have never been closer.

i believe what a really wise friend said: “if we love people, the way God loves them, they are able to let down the wall between us. and when they do we will see the beautiful person that God has always seen. the person that, sadly, most people will never see. because it takes too much time and is way too hard and messy, but oh…oh so worth it”.

life on life, in the trenches with each other. not one up, one down, but heart to heart, life to life, soul to soul. with each other, not for or to each other. that’s living & loving incarnately.

This was originally posted on The Refuge blog