Loving You, Loving Me
Donald Miller said in his book “Blue Like Jazz” that our biggest problem as human beings is that we are in love with ourselves. This problem becomes an obstacle to our awareness of others around us and keeps us from being able to share God’s love in this world. I resonate with the truth of that.
During our recent bible study, we were reflecting on what James called “the royal law” which is Christ’s command for us to love others as we love ourselves. I love the wisdom and the depth of this simple statement. It inherently assumes that we love ourselves, and simply requests that we love everyone else with the same level of ardor that we pour into ourselves. I have pretty much decided that no matter how self-actualized I get in this life, I am never going to become such a good Christian that I manage to forget about me.
One of the members of our study commented that this rationalization didn’t work for her because she struggled with liking who she was, and that she was often overly self-critical. As a woman who has struggled over the years to gain a certain sense of self-esteem, I realized that there is a big difference between liking one’s self and being self-involved. They are two separate accomplishments, and the term “self-involved” might better be described as “self-aware.”
I struggled with self-esteem a great deal in my early twenties to a large degree, but low self-esteem didn’t mean that I wasn’t self-involved. In fact, I would argue that I was actually more self-involved because I was focusing on the things that were going wrong inside of me and that certainly put my focus right back on good old number one. I learned over time that kicking myself was just feeding the beast of self-awareness and feeding that beast didn’t do much to get me to the place of loving others the way I love myself. What did get me there was serving others and denying myself the right to dwell on myself.
If you are worried that I could become so unaware of myself that I would forget to take care of myself, please don’t waste even a moment worrying about that. Denying myself the right to dwell on my cares, worries, blunders, and idiosyncrasies, whether in a positive or negative light, hasn’t yet brought me to a perfect state of humble servitude. Sainthood is elusive for me, and I find that I still manage to get more than a few really good moments of self-centeredness in before I put myself away in the cupboard and bring my love of others out of the pantry.
I think Jesus knew this when he said for us to love others as ourselves. I think he understood that we are going to take care of ourselves and that there is little chance that any of us will be so self-sacrificing that we would forget who we are and what our own needs are. I think he figured that we are far more likely to err on the side of thinking about ourselves then we are to err on thinking of others.
When I am thinking about me, I don’t have time to think about anyone else. I am consumed by my own self-awareness. When I move past self, I am able to devote more energy to noticing others and praying for others. It’s simple, yet incredibly profound at the same time.
March 31st, 2008 · 4 Comments
Categories: DE Thoughts
Pam Hogeweide said
am April 2 2008 @ 2:10 am
Thanks for your transparency with this post, April. The language of self-esteem and self-love can be a hot topic in some Christian circles, seen as self-serving. I used to wonder that, too. But healthy self-love is not self-involved, as you alluded to. Being able to notice others out of a spirit of compassion and love is to love one’s self.
I disagree with Miller, though. Most of the people I know struggle way more with self-loathing and self-hatred than they do with a narcissistic self-love. This can breed self-centeredness, which I think was really Miller’s point. But self-love, I think it’s actually rare. True, healthy and godly love for self is something I don’t see very often.
Helen said
am April 2 2008 @ 8:35 am
Thanks April.
This brings up lots of interesting issues…
It sounds like both of you are agreeing that too much focus on our own problems takes us away from noticing others and caring about their needs.
April I hear what you’re saying, that sometimes it’s a matter of choosing to place my focus elsewhere than my own problems.
Pam I hear what you’re saying too - it bothers me when Christians mislabel dislike of self as self love when it would be better to call it ’self-focus’ and compassionately recognize that it often exists in unhappy people who have not figured out how to live with themselves.
We can help these people with OAs that show we accept them, which helps them believe they’re acceptable and then learn to accept themselves. By being ‘Jesus with skin on’ (if that’s what you believe Jesus would do).
DareM said
am April 2 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Thanks April, love the post.
To me the root of this whole discussion is not self-love or self-hatred, but self-ishness. On any of those extremes I become so focused of my self that I forget the reason God has placed where He has (the richest nation in the world) is not so that my every need will be met, but so that I can be a blessing to others. It’s when we forget (or misplace) God’s essential calling of mission that we lose focus of our revolutionary adventure and become self-focused. Our selfishness has roots in our consumer culture, the modern evangelical church movement, and basic human sin nature, but God is calling us to something far above (and deeper) than those, Himself. As we seek to be Him in our world we lose sight of ourselves (as you so eloquently laid out).
It reminds me a little about one amazing man once said, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”
Or as Eugene Peterson amazingly sums up (I love this), “Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?”
April Terry said
am April 3 2008 @ 12:19 pm
Great thoughts, everyone…
Personally, I think that there are some real similarities between self-focus and self-centeredness. I see it in children a lot. They tend to be the center of their own universe and trying to get them to focus outward is difficult at times.
The only thing that really got me out of my own self-awareness (and to a place of true self-respect) was to start working on servanthood. Through servanthood, I was able to see that giving yourself away to others creates a change that inevitably leads to a better sense of self and a more healthy way of being.
A big part of it is just growing up, but some people never learn the truth that flows from denying one’s self and helping others. I can’t remember which celebrity it was, but I remember recently seeing an interview where a celebrity said that philanthropy had become almost an addiction because it felt so good to do good for others. We think it’s natural to hold onto what we have, but I think it’s more natural to give of ourselves and be part of our community in a positive way.