Comments on: Loving You, Loving Me

By: April Terry

April Terry — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:19:16 +0000

Great thoughts, everyone…

Personally, I think that there are some real similarities between self-focus and self-centeredness. I see it in children a lot. They tend to be the center of their own universe and trying to get them to focus outward is difficult at times.

The only thing that really got me out of my own self-awareness (and to a place of true self-respect) was to start working on servanthood. Through servanthood, I was able to see that giving yourself away to others creates a change that inevitably leads to a better sense of self and a more healthy way of being.

A big part of it is just growing up, but some people never learn the truth that flows from denying one’s self and helping others. I can’t remember which celebrity it was, but I remember recently seeing an interview where a celebrity said that philanthropy had become almost an addiction because it felt so good to do good for others. We think it’s natural to hold onto what we have, but I think it’s more natural to give of ourselves and be part of our community in a positive way.

By: DareM

DareM — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 16:48:53 +0000

Thanks April, love the post.
To me the root of this whole discussion is not self-love or self-hatred, but self-ishness. On any of those extremes I become so focused of my self that I forget the reason God has placed where He has (the richest nation in the world) is not so that my every need will be met, but so that I can be a blessing to others. It’s when we forget (or misplace) God’s essential calling of mission that we lose focus of our revolutionary adventure and become self-focused. Our selfishness has roots in our consumer culture, the modern evangelical church movement, and basic human sin nature, but God is calling us to something far above (and deeper) than those, Himself. As we seek to be Him in our world we lose sight of ourselves (as you so eloquently laid out).
It reminds me a little about one amazing man once said, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”
Or as Eugene Peterson amazingly sums up (I love this), “Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?”

By: Helen

Helen — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 12:35:54 +0000

Thanks April.

This brings up lots of interesting issues…

It sounds like both of you are agreeing that too much focus on our own problems takes us away from noticing others and caring about their needs.

April I hear what you’re saying, that sometimes it’s a matter of choosing to place my focus elsewhere than my own problems.

Pam I hear what you’re saying too - it bothers me when Christians mislabel dislike of self as self love when it would be better to call it ’self-focus’ and compassionately recognize that it often exists in unhappy people who have not figured out how to live with themselves.

We can help these people with OAs that show we accept them, which helps them believe they’re acceptable and then learn to accept themselves. By being ‘Jesus with skin on’ (if that’s what you believe Jesus would do).

By: Pam Hogeweide

Pam Hogeweide — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 06:10:03 +0000

Thanks for your transparency with this post, April. The language of self-esteem and self-love can be a hot topic in some Christian circles, seen as self-serving. I used to wonder that, too. But healthy self-love is not self-involved, as you alluded to. Being able to notice others out of a spirit of compassion and love is to love one’s self.

I disagree with Miller, though. Most of the people I know struggle way more with self-loathing and self-hatred than they do with a narcissistic self-love. This can breed self-centeredness, which I think was really Miller’s point. But self-love, I think it’s actually rare. True, healthy and godly love for self is something I don’t see very often.