I have a friend who has been a long-time  Christian.  She spent most of her adult life involved in churches and even worked at one for a very long time.   I am on the other side of the spectrum.  I stand largely outside the corporate church, and have worked in the real world my whole life. 

During our recent bible study, she mentioned that occasionally she experiences others using poor language and related an event that happened during a department meeting where someone singled her out by apologizing to her after using profanity.  The fact that the person singled her out rubbed the department manager the wrong way and he asked why this person would put my friend on such a pedestal. 

The reason is that my friend corrects profanity around the office all the time.  She’s practically famous for it.  In fact, recently, both us were standing behind a coworker and I was assisting the coworker with a spreadsheet that she was having trouble with.  Our coworker got frustrated and said, “Oh, s–t!” 

Frankly, I wouldn’t have even noticed, but my friend instantly corrected her, saying, “Watch your language!”  The other coworker, now embarrassed, flushed red and said, “Oh, I’m sorry.”  With that, my friend walked away leaving me with the uncomfortable task of dealing with the fall out–and fallout there was.  She snorted with anger while I tried to smooth it over a little.

As I write this, I fully realize that I am delving into that uncomfortable arena of being controversial and critical, but I step off that brink with full knowledge of what I am doing.  Bringing up the issue at the Bible study gave me an opening for me to say what I think to her, which is that I think in correcting the language of others she is doing more damage than good.  The reason that I know this is that I have been on the clean-up committee for some time now (a fact that I haven’t shared with my friend).  While I sit with her coworkers in the lunch room, I hear the stories and I know that it limits her ability to talk about God and things of faith because she comes off self-righteous to those who have been corrected.  It has become the single thing that has hurt her relationship with others the most.

My friend stands firm, and she let me know that she thinks she should stand firmly on the principles of the bible and if that means correcting others, she does it with confidence.  I want her to stand firm, and I have never heard her use fowl language, but I stop short at the idea of correcting others because I feel that it isn’t our job.  My friend told me that she most people she corrects take it very well and don’t get upset, but I know differently.

I see people all the time whom I think would be a lot happier, in my opinion, if they would turn their hearts in a better direction toward God.  However, I choose to pray for them,  rather than correct them and I listen rather than tell them what they should be doing.  I figure God will work on their heart from the inside out, and yet, I can’t deny that I am also thinking about what they need according to my values and ideals.  Just because I am not saying it, doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion on it.  I just don’t share it with them.  However, I am not blind to the fact that this type of thing can be smelled on a person a mile away.   

The most important thing in building relationships is that we make others feel safe.  When we make others feel as though being in a relationship with us is going to be hurtful for them, the relationship is inhibited and often stopped altogether.  Making someone feel safe means that we are aware of our limitations and boundaries and that we don’t cross them, either intentionally or unintentionally.  It means that we create a place for the other person that will allow them to feel that they can be flawed and yet still be loved.  I think that offering others that kind of grace leads to better and lasting relationships.