Messy Folks
I’ve never been through a divorce, have never had a major health problem, and have never been in trouble with the law. By contrast, I have a coworker who has a very messy life, and the mess caught up with her lately. She stood in front of me and started to outline all the problems that she was dealing with, and I listened. The more I listened, the more the tears welled up in her eyes, and the more she shared. Before she was done, I was asking her if I could pray with her, and then we stepped out into the sunshine a little while later, held hands, and prayed together.
I meet messy people all the time. They come by my desk and I listen to the load they bear. Usually, I pray for them silently, but sometimes, when the mess is the greatest, I will ask them to join me because I know that they need a place to lay their burdens. The more I listen, the more messy people that I meet. They come from all corners of my day, and they linger longer than they should sometimes, but I pay that no mind. I am always generous with my time because I believe that my time is a form of tithing and I don’t belong to a church. I am church in my life.
I think that messy people try really hard to bear their burdens all by themselves. Maybe they think that God can’t help them or they might think that God won’t help them because they aren’t righteous enough. One of my messy friends used to joke that every time I prayed for his messy son, something worse happened. I used to laugh and tell him not to blame me and God for his kid’s turmoil, but secretly I would pray more fervently for them. I overlook their messiness and try to view it as a season of mess because I believe in the healing power of God and I know that someday the messiest ones of all could someday be totally transformed. I view life as if it were a 1500 piece puzzle. The pieces are thrown randomly into a box, but God puts all the pieces together if we let Him do His work in our lives.
We’re all a little messy in some ways, but there are those people out there in the world whose lives draw more mess than others. I don’t try to clean up their messes, either. I don’t think I am qualified for that so I don’t give too much advice. I usually just acknowledge that the burdens they are carrying are great, but I almost always tell them I will go to God on their behalf. They always appreciate that.
I’ve met all the contradictions in my life–people who don’t believe, but who still live moral and upstanding lives with very little mess and people who do believe, and don’t live moral or upstanding lives and have a lot of mess. It all seems pretty random sometimes when it comes to how the trials and tribulations are distributed among us. Because of that, I have a hard time saying that the mess in our lives are always due to our own choices. None of my messy friends would have chosen messiness on purpose, and now that they have it, they are trying to deal with it in the best way they can. So, I just accept that there is mess out there, and I try to put them in touch with the God who cleans up the mess. It’s where I go when I have made a mess of things.
Some people avoid the messy people. It can be uncomfortable to be around the messy ones, but I am thankful that God opened my heart to notice the messy folks because it helps me appreciate the goodness that He has brought into my life. So, I keep listening to the messy ones, and they keep coming by and in the process we all learn about God’s Graciousness.
June 4th, 2008 · 9 Comments
Categories: DE Thoughts
Helen said
am June 4 2008 @ 9:12 am
April, you didn’t spell this out but clearly your coworkers think of you as someone ’safe’ to share the details of their messy lives with. They trust you not to judge them - otherwise they’d never be so vulnerable with you. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve built up this trust at work.
I read a blog post the other day about what Christians say and what they mean. According to that post, when a Christian says “How are things going?” they mean “I’m getting ready to judge you”. I couldn’t help thinking “Ouch!” and also, “I’ve met Christians like that”.
April, the way co-workers share with you shows that if you said “How are things going?” it would mean “I’m ready to listen“. It would be awesome if more Christians were like you, so people wouldn’t be afraid of judgment from Christians if they share their stories.
Randy said
am June 4 2008 @ 10:35 am
I’m one of those messy people you describe. It’s way less messy than it used to be, and most of the credit for that goes to Jesus, but I’ve got messy kids, messy extended family, and my family tree looks more like a bush. My inlaws, who have not ever called themselves Christians, have always been more gracious and unconditional in their love than any Christian I have known (including myself). This used to be a great mystery to me, but I enjoyed the gift (and often desperately needed it) without having to understand it.
Of course it must be admitted that a LOT of the messes in our lives ARE the result of our bad choices. But it’s also true that shit happens (one of my favorite bumper stickers) to all of us. Or as Jesus said,
Which of course means God gives GOOD stuff to the just and unjust alike (not bad stuff), but I think that fertilizer is spread just as equally (or randomly, as you suggested). That sure seems to be verified by experience, (both the good stuff and the bad). As the country-western song goes, “Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.”
God’s grace is not reserved for those whose lives are “deserving” (ie, not messy), or it wouldn’t be called grace. And often I am the recipient of it through a lot of messy people…including my own messy family. Thanks for the reminder of that wonderful reality this morning.
Ken said
am June 4 2008 @ 11:24 am
Great post April. We Christ’s followers need to learn to actually follow. On the first Christmas, Jesus entered right into the messiness of a world fractured and affected by sin. (From the Biblical account, I think His first smells of this world reeked of messiness.) Then, when He walked out of the Jordan River and began His ministry (after apparently doing 30 years of pretty much ‘nothing’), He began walking into the messy lives of individuals all around Him. He even had the gall to point out the messiness of the lives of the religious folks who thought they actually had it all together (the phrase ‘whitewashed tombs’ comes to mind).
Helen’s got it right. You’ve proven to those near you that you aren’t afraid to touch messiness. People need to know that before they’re even willing to reveal their messiness. Jesus touched lepers, lame, blind, tax collectors and prostitutes, and even commended a woman with a flow of blood (the ultimate Jewish mess) who touched Him in faith. The Jesus in you continues to clean up messes. It’s what He came to do.
Way to go!
Elaine said
am June 4 2008 @ 12:55 pm
April - I appreciate your sharing your experience and making time to listen to your messy co-workers and friends.
I also so much appreciate your
And that is why they keep coming…as a recovering “fixer”, I realize how many people I dis-repected by acting like I could fix everything for them and that they didn’t have their own answers. I am so sorry for those I harmed with my fixing.
thanks for sharing.
DareM said
am June 4 2008 @ 3:49 pm
April, great post! I really appreciate your honesty, your heart, and your willingness to be involved in the mess that many, (most?) people choose to avoid. As someone who seems to have messy people following me all the time it was really encouraging and challenging to hear how you respond to those situations. I love this line :
Consciously tithing your time to others who need it (whether you belong to a “church” or not) is surly an equal form of worship as giving a portion of your income. May we all seek to be the church to this world (and the messy people in it) whether or not we belong to a building or an institution.
BTW, I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to include your post on my blog (http://www.pneumaproject.org). Let me know if thats a problem and I’ll take it off.
April Terry said
am June 4 2008 @ 5:23 pm
DareM - Feel free to post on your blog…
Thanks, everyone, for your wonderful responses. I feel an urgency in the need of people around me lately, and I hope that my post and all of your responses inspires others to be co-laborers in God’s plan for this world.
Mike O said
am June 6 2008 @ 11:27 pm
I liked what you said here
and here
I sometimes feel like a dork because I don’t know the right thing to say or do, and *usually* I find out that saying and doing *nothing* really was the right thing to do. I really liked what you had to say because, being a Christian for my whole life, it sometimes seems like we should always have all the answers. But I don’t. And it’s nice to know I don’t have to.
Donna Mathwig said
am June 7 2008 @ 6:50 pm
Messy compassion - awesome! Messy compassion is such a great way be ‘Jesus with skin on’, (where did I hear that?), to those in our lives who need an extension of love and care, minus the fixing or judgment. I chuckle at the ‘recovering fixer’ reference from Elaine; I think as Christians we used to feel that we MUST have an answer to everyone’s problems - though I always felt seriously inept - and am also happy to report I’ve since been liberated from such guilt.
Merely ’sitting with’ another and listening has tremendous value - otherliness creates hope, and it is hope that can help messies to look beyond what is, to what could be.
I too hope that April’s post inspires a realization of the need to “simply” be available to the messies in life - I serve in a ministry where messies come to us looking for compassion, often desperate for relationship and someone who is present to say, “I do care.” We don’t presume to have answers, but we have ears, hearts, hands, hugs and practical resources.
When we can extend compassion to messies minus an agenda of fixing, it should feel a bit easier to engage in the process of caring.
Randy said
am June 8 2008 @ 11:53 pm
Well said, Donna. And thank you (and Jim) for allowing me to crash at your home for the past two nights. You guys are awesome!