Frustrations From the Christian Fishbowl
The powers that be decided that I should move from my office to another one. I was pretty upset about it, and I think it was fairly obvious to everyone within a five mile radius. I’m not too good about hiding my unhappiness and it caused me to stop and think about how we deal with the problems of our lives.
I was a very sensitive child growing up. I didn’t deal with conflict much and when confronted with problems, I would just ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen. That went on for a long time until I got to be in high school, and then I started to wake up. When I was in my early twenties, I learned that I could stand up for myself and people would respect me for it. At that point, I started to take control and fight for my own rights. That isn’t the way it is now that I’m in my forties. Now I’m just another cranky old lady, and it doesn’t look as good on me.
How we deal with the negative aspects of our lives says a lot to people about who we are. I wish I could be that person whose emotions don’t get the best of them, but I don’t think I was wired that way. Some people like that about me because there is an inherent honesty in it, but others just see it as me being difficult. Still, I can’t be perfect all of the time, so I have reconciled with myself that I will inevitably be a bad example for Christ at least some of the time. I’m hoping to improve my positivity percentage at least one degree a year until I’m ninety. So far this year hasn’t been going too well.
The thing is, anytime I have a bad moment people are asking themselves (and sometimes me), “…and she calls herself a Christian?” For some reason, I am floating in this Christian fishbowl where everything is decorated like Disneyland, except me, that is. I’m stuck floating in my magical fishbowl kingdom looking more like Bart Simpson. This is one of the big reasons that I don’t get any Christian identifiers on my car. What if I cut someone off and and they see my “Honk if you love Jesus” sticker? I can’t be a good Christian and a good driver at the same time. It’s not who I am.
In the end, all I can do is my best. I can try to be the best person I can be while also trying to improve upon myself. It’s a beautiful dance between the reality me and the potential one. A worst thing would be if I didn’t try and I didn’t care. I do try, but sometimes, I get angry like I did today. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I’m not perfect, but I care. I care enough to spend a lot of my time thinking about how I treat others and a lot of time trying to be good to them, but if you happen to see the bad side of this sweet little Christian lady, don’t blame Jesus. He’s doing the best He can with what He has to work with.
August 18th, 2008 · 3 Comments
Categories: DE Thoughts
Randy said
am August 18 2008 @ 9:34 pm
Lewis also said (somewhere…I couldn’t find it) when asked to explain the moral, kind respectful unbeliever versus the bitter, mean, angry elderly churchgoing Christian, that you must consider the raw material. Imagine how much more wonderful and beautiful that young man might be if he were to follow Jesus. And imagine how much more intolerable that elderly woman might be without him.
LOVED this. Thank you for being so transparent with us, April. For what it’s worth, I think Jesus is doing a damn fine job with you. And I’m quite sure he is relieved to be able to work with you after trying to work with me!
Helen said
am August 19 2008 @ 11:17 am
April, I’m sorry they moved you to another office even though you didn’t want to move.
What’s wonderful about relationships is that within them we have room to be human. I think the investment you make in relationships will prevent your friends from using your humanity against you. They’ll forgive you and accept you. The people who, unlike you, make a big deal of being Christian without caring about their relationships with those they tell, are the ones whose failure to live a perfect life will be used against them.
April Terry said
am August 22 2008 @ 4:43 pm
Gotta love C.S. Lewis, Randy! Thanks for the generous compliment.
Helen, you’ve made a good point about the payoffs of investing in relationships. I guess I just struggle with those people that I fail to establish relationship with. As you know, there are times when people aren’t up front with you or maybe we just don’t always get along with everyone. For me, the question becomes “what do I owe people I can’t reach or who don’t like and understand me?”