Connecting with the Gay and Lesbian Community
by Jacci Turner
Pastoral Care Specialist
Intervarsity Christian Fellowship
I’ve been reading a book called “Love is an Orientation” by Andrew Marin. It is about building a bridge from the Christian community to the Gay community. I’ve been struck by how similar Marin’s suggestions for building these bridges are to those we use in Doable Evangelism (DE). Often with the gay and lesbian community, Christian’s feel that they have to push an agenda (i.e. stop being gay/change your behavior etc.). This is obviously a huge turn off to gays!
Most of us know what it feels like to be approached by someone with an agenda. Perhaps you were accosted by someone with an “evangelistic” agenda,” or my least favorite, the “I’d love to tell you about a small business opportunity” agenda. It feels yucky, slimy and bad. We don’t like being approached by someone with an agenda, so why do we think gay people would like it any more than we would? Why can’t we practice the doable evangelism skills when interacting with our gay friends? Just notice, or pray; or ask how they’re doing and listen!
Marin encourages the use of open-ended questions to build bridges. He says,
“Open-ended questions, by contrast, require not only thought but responsiveness. A great open-ended question is, “What’s it like to be you?” Such a question owns the reality that heterosexual people can never fully identify with the life experience of gay people. We take the position of the eager audience. This automatically puts us in a humbled state of listening and learning. The know-it-all perception is shot out the window, and there is no better place to be in order to start building a bridge with the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) community.” (pg. 163)
This is advice that Christian’s can use in all of their friendships, but especially when meeting people that we may perceive as very different than us (ie, Mormon’s, Muslim’s, Atheists, Gays). Instead of allowing our fur to go up, and entering a defensive posture as we mentally rehearse all the arguments about “why I’m right and you’re wrong,” how about we come to people as humble learners? If we would assume that all people are loved by God, and created in His image (even if they disagree with us), perhaps we can learn to listen to their stories…and find that we are not that different after all.
June 17th, 2009 · 17 Comments
Categories: DE Thoughts
Rhonda Lenon said
am June 18 2009 @ 2:34 pm
Thank you for opening the door for discussion. The “typical” Christian agenda or approach has always been a turn off to me. I love the question, “What’s it like to be you?” When I decided to take that approach, I’ve been amazed and have established close, loving friendships with many gays/lesbians. I know, from my own family’s experience, that the typical approach of “just stop being gay” does not work. I personally want to learn more, listen more and pray more.
Love never fails!
Robby Jackson said
am June 18 2009 @ 8:02 pm
My take is to just try to be a friend and accept folks as they are, whether they are GLBT or Gen-xers or millenials. Try to be involved in some of the community activities they are involved in in the neighborhood around our church. Just invite and tell them they will be welcome at my table with me. That’s all I can do. Hadn’t really thought of the “what’s is like to be you?” Sounds interesting,
Doreen A Mannion said
am June 18 2009 @ 10:43 pm
There are a few assumptions in this post at which one might take offense – that Mormons are not Christians – which I suppose most evangelicals agree with, and that gays are not Christians (or better yet, cannot be).
If Christians really want to start off on a positive note, they might start off by not assuming the next GLBTQ person they meet is not a Christian.
Another assumption to get rid of is the notion that there is such a thing as “the” GLBTQ community. It’s right up there with the so-called “gay agenda” as a long-standing myth.
Aideen said
am June 19 2009 @ 9:20 am
I think it’s important to remember as well that perspectives on whether same-sex relationships are okay vary widely within the Christian community so when you’re witnessing, it would be wise to acknowledge that if asked – eg. if you personally believe gay people should be celibate, be honest but also say that you might be wrong and there are lots of Christians who affirm gay people. I’m an active member of the Gay Christian Network and we call these two perspectives Side A (that gay relationships are okay) and Side B (that gay people are called to celibacy) and have members on both sides of the coin.
http://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php?
We also have a few straight people on the board as well who are interested in learning more about the LGBT community’s particular struggles and supporting us through it – you’re all welcome to come over and ask us a few questions if you’d like!
Jacci said
am June 19 2009 @ 11:34 am
Thank you for your comments. I’ve been trying to figure this stuff out but I can’t do it in a vacuum. Whenever I try to get most straight Christian’s (thanks Doreen for the clarification) to engage around this topic, I get awkward silence. (except of course from those who are yelling loudly, but those aren’t the voices that I’m interested in) I don’t think it’s because we don’t care. I think we feel like we are tiptoeing through a mine field on both sides of this issue. We need all the help we can get on how to even start this conversation.
Aideen said
am June 20 2009 @ 1:39 pm
Jackie, thanks for your willingness to discuss. I find the same thing – no-one wants to talk about it. Which is silly because everyone knows at least one gay person, it might even turn out to be a member of your family, so if there’s nothing but silence how do you know how to deal with it? The cookie-cutter answers just don’t cut it. Mainly because they’re dreamt up by people who have no idea what they’re talking about.
Like I say, you’re more than welcome to come and ask anything
You might also want to try New Directions (http://www.newdirection.ca/), they used to be an ex-gay ministry (ie. dodgy), but at the Holy Spirit’s leading they became a ministry devoted to creating more civil and productive dialogue on the subject. Very relevant to this discussion.
Aideen said
am June 20 2009 @ 1:41 pm
*Whoops, spelt your name wrong, Jacci! *fail*
Lori said
am June 21 2009 @ 11:21 am
Wow- great topic! I have a few gay friends, most of whom I met in college, and now they are in committed same-sex relationships. I can’t possibly judge their hearts, but their relationships appear to be just as healthy and loving- if not more so- than many marriages I know. This is a controversial thing to say. I have read commentaries on what the Bible says (and doesn’t say) about same-sex relationships and have found compelling arguments for both sides (same-sex activity is always a sin, vs. can be okay if within the context of a committed relationship). I honestly don’t know where I stand- except that I am so grateful that God has not called me to be the sin police! I know many people who treat gay people with love, but I wonder how many churches would be okay with a committed gay couple attending regularly, unless they were trying to change. Then again, would the same be true if it was a male-female couple who was unmarried but sexually involved? Not sure where I’m going with this- I was just thrilled to see it being discussed and had to get my long-pent-up thoughts out there!
Randy said
am June 25 2009 @ 1:31 pm
Kind of a follow up for those interested. A video interview with Andrew Marin:
Bridging the Gap « Un Simple Historie said
am August 9 2009 @ 11:04 pm
[...] GLBT, Lesbian, LGBT, Love is and Orientation, ThOoze.TV } I found this artical on a site called Doable Evangelism. I am really interested in the work that Andrew Marin is doing and his book “Love is An [...]
Audrey said
am September 8 2009 @ 2:47 am
This is all well and good, but the lesbian and gay community has had plenty of wonderful Christian pastors for over 40 years now. I encourage every lesbian, gay, and transgender Christian to come to Metropolitian Community Churches in your city.
Find out about Rev. Troy Perry’s message that God loves lesbians and gay men, and he has been preaching this message for over 40 years. I’d like to see Rev. Nancy Wilson, Rev. Perry and other lesbian and gay pastoral leaders on this site. I’d also like to see lesbians commenting as well. It seems very male dominated to me, and the use of the term “he” for god is offensive to many lesbians. God is not a man, God is a God, and lesbians are made in the image of this god.
Audrey said
am September 8 2009 @ 11:24 am
I just had to list some really good authors — all lesbian and gay Christians.
Chris Glaser, Carter Heyward — she was one of the first women in American ordained an Episcopal priest in the 70s, and has written many great books that deal with the two evils of the church — sexism and homophobia.
Rev. Troy Perry is someone you should get to know. He founded the gay MCC church, which has become a safe haven for lesbians and gays who want to be welcomed and in charge of our own churches.
Rev. Kittredge Cherry has written many books on Jesus, and has a website called Jesusinlove.org
Rev. Nancy Wilson is the head of MCC now, so get to know this powerful lesbian Christian leader.
Don’t over look the black lesbian Christians, who have been powerful leaders.
Mary Daly is a great book for lesbians from a Catholic background. She decodes and uncovers the womanhatred epidemic in the church. Start with her The Church and the Second Sex” published in 1968.
Most of these books and leaders have been around for a very long time, but straight men I guess are the last to know about us. This site seems to be mostly about gay men, and doesn’t really seem clued into lesbian life and experiences. I’d like to see you interview lesbian ministers. I’m sure there are a lot in the Chicago area. Be sure to let lesbians speak for themselves and not through the mouths of straight men.
We don’t relate to male supremacy or sexism anywhere in the world, and I challenge you to deal with the male centric language that you use on this site. You’ve got a lot to learn.
Randy said
am September 8 2009 @ 7:40 pm
Audrey,
We do have a lot to learn. And we need to listen better. While I appreciate very much your commenting here, please understand that this site is not a GLBT site, but rather a site that is trying to help Christians (in particular, the evangelical sort) to respectfully and gently connect with people who are not like them.
I am sorry you are angry about what we have not learned and are not doing (you must have been hurt by one of us), but please…we need encouragement, not a lashing. We are learning. We may not agree entirely with you, but we would love to learn from you. It’s just hard to hear what you’re saying when you sound so much like US (when we have talked about homosexuality in the past)!
Thanks for the reading list. Please forgive us for our shortcomings. We’re listening.
Audrey said
am September 8 2009 @ 8:17 pm
Sorry to be so harsh with you all Randy. I just call it as I see it.
I encourage all of the straight christians coming here — because your daughter just came out to you, or your son married a man, or someone in your church may have been excommunicated for being lesbian or gay, to continue reading and studying.
If you want to get an unvarnished opinion from a lesbian feminist Christian, then I’ll be happy to address the questions.
Good luck with the basics!
And remember gay doesn’t mean woman, it is a term to describe gay men.
Lesbians are a completely different community, and we have a different herstory as well.
todd said
am September 14 2009 @ 2:26 pm
I am excited about the possibility of creating a more open atmosphere in the overall Church.
I used to pastor a church that had a couple gay members. One of these men said he wanted to be a part of a church where all people felt accepted and had a place to serve without their homosexuality being a big issue. He didn’t want to be a part of a church that was against him, but also didn’t want to be a part of a church where sexuality was the defining characteristic.
I’m not knocking churches like MCC, they are pioneers in doing tremendous work for the Kingdom. But I would like the Church as a whole move toward a culture where separate churches aren’t needed for any particular group of people because the mainstream church doesn’t accept them.
Aideen–thanks for the info, I am eager to connect with GCN.
I applaud you guys at OTM for entering this conversation.
Audrey said
am September 14 2009 @ 6:05 pm
Hi Todd,
Thanks for your very sensible post. I think the sentiments are good, but the truth is, the lesbian and gay community is a different culture. And we do need churches that gays and lesbian completely run, control the finances of, and define the theology.
Welcoming and affirming churches can do an excellent job for “assimilated gays and lesbian”– the group that want to be “just like everyone else.” The thing is, I’m not particularly interested in assimilation, and this is far too complex and issue. I think this site will be more gay 101 stuff, but I’m way past that now.
What is needed is programs for gay and lesbian seniors, our most isolated group. And if there are programs, gays and lesbians need to have larger group showings, because we don’t want to be tokens. I have to deal with this way too much in the work world, and it isn’t any fun.
As Alice Walker once said: “I never want to be the ONLY one anymore.”
todd said
am September 16 2009 @ 10:37 am
thanks, Audrey. I’d love to talk more about this; I know I have a lot to learn–but this probably isn’t the place. please email me; tcullop@gmail.com. I’d like to hear more of your perspective and experience.