By April Terry (personal blog http://faithwarming.blogspot.com)

My husband and I just finished recording a song that we wrote together.  He wrote most of the words of the song that is an analogy of our being a gem in God’s crown.  They are wonderful words of a powerful and beautiful self-identity that is wrapped around our faith and gratefulness of the new creation that God has made us.  It has caused me to take a look at how self-identity and self-talk makes a difference in how we relate to others. 

We’ve all heard the stories about people who tear others down in a psychological move to make themselves appear better.  It is one of the uglier of our human attributes, but we’ve all known someone who was like that and if we’re honest, we can also admit that we have been like that at times ourselves.  Regardless, the person who takes part in that kind of action is a person whose self-image is less-refined.  A person who is driven by that kind of psychology is struggling with self-acceptance.   

How important do you think it is to have a healthy sense of yourself in order to be better at relationships with others?  I have learned that it is critical.  I learned it because I lived on both sides.  I remember days when I looked at others and thought only negative things about them.  My first response was to tear them down in my mind and be critical of them, but as I grew more comfortable in my own skin, I grew more comfortable with not having to compare myself with others.  Letting go of that dysfunction was integral to my being able to achieve better relationships with others.

I spend a lot of energy talking about how selfishness obstructs us from loving others, but liking yourself isn’t the same as selfishness.  Selfishness has more to do with preoccupation of one’s self, and that isn’t what I’m advocating.  I know we’ve all heard that the “Greatest Love of All” is learning to love yourself.  I don’t think that’s 100% true, but I do think that a good self-image is necessary to having healthy relationships.  I’ve found that I am able to give of myself more when I know inside that I am a person of value.  To me, it means that I have something to offer the relationship and when I know that, I offer it willingly.   Of course, getting to the place of being a person of value is the hard part, isn’t it? 

When I was 29 and still single, I worried that I would never be married.  While I worried, I never attracted a soul.  The day I stopped worrying and let things go, I suddenly became the most attractive woman in the room.  Everyone is attracted to that person who is self-assured and confident.  That’s why knowing one’s self is so important in regard to the relationships that we are building with others.  Anyone who thinks that how we view ourselves plays no part in how we relate to others is just plain in denial.  It has everything to do with it.  We talk so much about getting to know others, but it’s all for nothing if we don’t have a good relationship with our own inner child.  It’s important that we know ourselves enough to know why we react the way we do and why we are drawn to certain types of people.

There are some aspects of my own personality that I don’t know if I will ever be able to change for the better, but if I face them honestly and acknowledge my own imperfections while also embracing the good aspects of myself, I have started to create an environment for others to feel safe around me.    Being a safe haven is what makes relationships meaningful and lasting.  Embracing the ideal that we are one of God’s sparkling gems through no effort of our own is the beauty of the message that we are trying to share.